Spence (thedeadseraphim) wrote in roofrocks,
Spence
thedeadseraphim
roofrocks

  • Mood:
  • Music:


Int. Kitchen – Morning

MARIE Antoinette is in the kitchen, reading a fashion magazine when the buzzer for the oven goes off. She pulls a cake out of the oven, turning and placing it on the island. She puts the cake on a plate, and frosts it. She then cuts it into pieces. She is smiling with pride.

MARIE:
Cake’s ready! Come and get it!

LINCOLN, DA VINCI, JACKIE, and JESUS come into the kitchen from various entrances. People pick up plates and murmur thanks and compliments. JESUS holds his plate and scrutinizes it.

JESUS:
What’s in the cake, MARIE?

MARIE:
Cake things, of course, you silly!

JESUS:
Dude, are there eggs? I can’t eat it if there are eggs.

MARIE:
If you don’t want to try it, JESUS, just tell me! But I slaved over this hot stove to feed you, and if you’re going to be ungrateful…

JESUS:
I’m a vegetarian!

MARIE:
SO!!!

DA VINCI:
MARIE, don’t lose your head over this! Its just food. JESUS, man, you should at least try it. “Thou shalt … honor… thy neighbors cake” or something like that.

MARIE looks sullen. JESUS looks chastened.

MARIE:
Could one of you take this piece to HELEN? She was out late last night partying or something.

JACKIE [warm and bubbly]:
I can!

MARIE:
Thanks!


Int. Hallway

JACKIE goes up to door with sign “HELEN of Troy’s Room!” Loud pop music is coming from interior. JACKIE places plate with cake on the floor. She takes out a folded piece of paper and places it carefully on the plate. She knocks on the door and runs away. The door opens to reveal HELEN, who looks around and then picks up the plate. She opens the note.

Note:
GO HOME PARTYGIRL!!! (The “i” is dotted with a heart)

HELEN screams, shaking with fury.


Int. Livingroom – Still morning

LINCOLN, DA VINCI, and JESUS are all sitting on the couch watching the world cup. DA VINCI is enraptured, making sounds of encouragement and shouts of anger in response to the game. LINCOLN is brooding. JESUS is zoned out, watching his hand.

DA VINCI:
C’mon! C’mon! YEAH!

LINCOLN:
I don’t get why the US team didn’t make it this far. They were fabulous this year.

DA VINCI:
Because the United States sucks at soccer. We Italians on the other hand have great skill.

LINCOLN:
That’s only because Italy has played soccer longer than the US. But the US womps Italy in the Olympics because America has better athletes. Next year, we’ll kick Italy’s butt.

DA VINCI:
Why I aughta…

LINCOLN:
Do what? Complete that sentence? I’ll take you down you crossword puzzle freak… *fingersnap*

JESUS [still watching his hand]:
GUYS! GUYS! Stop fighting. Check out my hand! Its moving on its own. I’m not even controlling it. It’s just moving! Isn’t it AWESOME!

Both LINCOLN and DA VINCI look at JESUS. Look back at each other.

LINCOLN:
You know what? You’re not even worth the fight.

LINCOLN walks out of the room. JESUS winks at the camera.


Int. JACKIE-O’s Bedroom – Night

JACKIE is sitting in her windowseat, talking on the phone with her boyfriend.

JACKIE:
I know! I can’t believe they broke up either. No, John, I’d never break up with you. My psychic says we’ll be together until one of us dies, and she’s never been wrong before… [blah blah blah]

DA VINCI opens JACKIE’s door cautiously.

DA VINCI:
Uh, JACKIE. I need to use the phone.

JACKIE looks annoyed.

JACKIE:
Okay, I’ll be off soon. I have to go, sweetie.

DA VINCI closes the door. We see that everyone is lined up outside the room. DA VINCI shrugs at them.

JACKIE:
Yeah. I love you too. I love you more. I love you more. No, I love you more… …. …

HELEN:
That’s it!

HELEN bursts into JACKIE’s room. JACKIE gasps in shock and anger.

JACKIE:
Sweetie? I have to call you back. What are you doing, HELEN?!

HELEN:
You’ve been on the phone for 3 hours! 3 hours! And the rest of us are sick of you always being on the phone with your boyfriend!

JACKIE:
At least I have a boyfriend!

HELEN:
What is that supposed to mean?

JACKIE:
It means you go from guy to guy, depending on what they can give you. You’ve had 5 boyfriends in 5 weeks.

HELEN:
So!?

JACKIE:
You are a slut!

HELEN:
You take that back.

JACKIE:
NO.

HELEN:
Skank.

JACKIE:
Ho-bag!

HELEN screams and is about to attack JACKIE.

The rest of the house is watching from the hallway. JESUS walks in hands held up in peace.

JESUS:
Stop this guys. Its not groovy. And calling each other whores and skanks doesn’t help, you know?

JACKIE:
WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!

JACKIE goes after HELEN. JESUS gets caught between them. Screaming and shouting ensues.


Int. Common Room

All housemembers are sitting around in a circle. HELEN and JACKIE are angry and glaring at one another from opposite one another. JESUS is holding an icepack to his head.

LINCOLN:
We’ve called this house meeting to resolve the issues we have with one another and clear the air, okay guys? Perhaps, you should start Leo. Uh… where’s MARIE?

DA VINCI:
She got sick from that cake she made this morning. And then a mob came by and took her away, they were shouting something about cake. I didn’t think it was that bad, personally. Anyway, HELEN and JACKIE? We’re kinda tired of you guys constantly fighting. So we think we need to resolve this.

HELEN:
If only she weren’t so holier-than-thou..

JACKIE:
If she weren’t such a party-girl…

DA VINCI:
So the rest of us have talked. And we have come to a decision. JACKIE, we’d like for you to leave the house.

JACKIE:
What?

LINCOLN:
Last week’s noodle incident was crazy guys! Every week you fight about something. And this needs to be over.

JACKIE:
Why do I have to go and she gets to stay?

LINCOLN:
HELEN doesn’t take all day on the phone. And she’s hot.

DA VINCI nods.

JACKIE:
JESUS?

JESUS:
I can dig it.

JACKIE:
Fine!

JACKIE gets up and walks out, while sad music plays.

Int. Confessional

JACKIE begins her confession, and credits scroll while she does so.

JACKIE:
…. I cant think of anything right now…





Int. Closet:

NARRATOR:
Next week on the show.

HELEN:
LINCOLN! What are you doing wearing my clothes!

Ex. Driveway

JESUS:
I got in a carpentry accident.


Ex. Doorway

DA VINCI:
Youre the illumi-whosy-whatsits?

Black

NARRATOR:
And a new housemate.

EVERYONE:
GASP
Subscribe
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic
    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 4 comments